today is my last day as a house group leader of this particular house group. it is another of those moments which are heavy with significance, although i'm not sure why. is it because people need to have markers, ceremonies, signposts to remember or to give value to what went before? since i started work in this particular organisation, i note that staff who leave have collections and cards and presentations. it appears to be almost ritualistic. the meaning of the individual's work, effort and contribution to whatever cause they have bent themselves to is supposed to be rewarded, captured, recorded, appreciated and celebrated in those fleeting moments of 'okay, i guess that's it, goodbye then'. i think it sad, but sweet. the sentiment shown there is valid, no doubt, but the manner does not do it justice. so cynical old me will resent the fact that my departure is celebrated insufficiently, but not to celebrate would be insulting.

September 2001 to May 2003. a year and eight months of this house group. i wonder what has happened to all involved. there have been several lives threading through, some that have been a constant presence, some that have been an ephemeral shimmer. i am reluctant to over analyze, or indeed analyze at any depth on this blog. i don't know whether my musings on the house group can add any value to what has gone before or justify what has happened. we have shared each others lives; we have tried to seek god and his kingdom. there... let it rest at that.

the future beckons now anyway. i will take all i have learnt, although a succinct summary of precisely what i have learnt escapes me right now, and apply it at some point. i think i have learnt lots, and probably not all that i wanted to. most likely the lessons were ones that i thought i wouldn't need, but there you go. so yes, the next thing beckons. but i don't know what it is.

the dreams have stopped right now. i am offered an interpretation of it. i don't quite know what to do! part of me feels protective and that it is my dream to interpret. i suppose if i get to interpret the dream, then the application of the dream rests with me, and i can say whether i need to act (if at all) on the dream. but when someone else indicates there might be more afoot than at first glance i naturally shrink back. how does one tell if an interpretation is true if the interpretation does not include a proof built in to it? examples of joseph were quite clear, you had your head chopped off in three days time or you were set free... the bumper harvest and famine happened... his family did bow down to him eventually. then the interpretation of those dreams simply stated what was happening - and no course of action was necessarily indicated. in fact, i suppose his reaction to them betrayed his wisdom at those various stages of life. so what to do now?

i end this blog with the words with which in 1903 sir leslie stephen concluded a famous series of lectures: "i hope i have not said anything original."

sneaking in a blog to see if i can now do shout outs...

didn't work the first time, now let's see.

last night the after dinner talk turned to the state of the world. there was a general feeling of scepticism about the way the world is going right now. if the diagnosis is correct, the solution escaped everybody. there was a feeling of wanting to act, to stem the tide somehow, but the how to engage in such a way as to confront the current power systems without playing by their rules eluded us.

i had another vivid dream last night:

a mountain overlooked a plain, which was beginning to be filled with water after a long time of dryness, as it was meant to be. but there was a terrible smell. the land was full of scorpions, springing on one another from their burrows and devouring each other. larger scorpions prowled the land, looking for other large scorpions to do battle with. also in the land, where the water was beginning to pool, were large worms, from which the stench emanated.

at night when the scorpions disappeared, there came a hunter of the worms, with his huge dog. the hunter would lure the worms out onto the shore, where the dog would kill the worms. the hunter had killed several worms before the dog became distracted by something. a worm took this opportunity to attack the hunter direct, but he managed to kill the worm by himself.

i'm recording this here so that i won't forget it. i have a hunch i know what it means, and having written it down also know why i dreamt it. i hope i'm learning about these things as well. it's pretty new to me. these kind of dreams disrupt my sleep too, so i'm pretty tired today. it's a tricky one, because i want to get better at this, but i also need my sleep!

two thought provoking things i read today:

"Some of those who stop in inns are given beds, while others haveing no beds stretch themselves on the floor and sleep as soundly as those in beds. In the morning, when night is over, all alike and get up and leave the inn, carrying away with them only their own belongings. It is the same with those who tread the path of this life: both those who have lived in modest circumstances, and those who had wealth and fame, leave this life like an inn, taking with them no wordly comforts or riches, but only what they have done in this life, whether it be good or bad."

st. anthony

"The overarching biblical command is to love, and the first act of love is always the giving of attention."

dallas willard, The Spirit of the Disciplines

lunch break over, time's up. no more thinking 'til monday now ; )

no time to blog much today. out for lunch with a good friend. that's important, to have lunch with good friends; i hope i never forget that. so i was refreshed by the company and fueled by the food too.

how does one learn to interpret dreams these days? trial and error i suppose. better try and remember my dreams and start talking to people about them. it's not very restful, having vivid dreams, but then maybe it's not that important in the bigger scheme of things.

on a completely different issue, having made a decision affecting my future, i suppose i am struck by how fluid things can be, or seem completely inflexible, depending on your point of view. and most importantly, how much control of your future is in other people's hands.

well i've been playing a little, but not much success. guess you start out quite small and progress is slow. a nice chintzy little metaphor for life - must be the avo sandwich taking effect already.

my instant instinct on creating this blog site (or whatever it's called) was to try and make it mine... create my own flavour/identity in the site. hmmm. frustrating that i don't have as much control over this as i would like to have. but the help function is okay, and i shall continue to make use of it.

how to take a lunch time and make it more than an hour surfing the net? try and record some thoughts on how your life-journey is going. inspired by todd, and chided by the chan for not being involved in blogging, i've decided to give it a go. how long it will last i don't know, and whether i want any of these to be public (which i don't at the moment) may or may not change.

anyway, that's my starter for ten... and i'm off to grab some lunch and will probably return to the site to tweak it to make it look pretty.